being sarah marie
They love to plant...
Pull, then Push
Savage Minds
The Trick is to...
For the Relief of Unbearable Urges, Nathan Englander
Bad Dirt, Annie Proulx
Brown, Richard Rodriguez
Namesake
Rewind to the present
Two long but fascinating articles about China and ...
I wish I knew where to start or how to begin. Ther...
I guess it's time to start coming out of hiberatio...
Privacy and the Net
Blogging and Free Speech
Month of Discontent
Sister Issues/My Hunger Strike
May 26, 2006
Drags On
Thank you all for your encouraging comments on the last post again. It's This will likely be my last post as a college student. My parents, grandparents and sister flew in today and they're on their way to my room now. I could have stayed in here until Monday, but I'm choosing to leave early. I just need to get out. I need this whole experience to be over with. This whole week has dragged on, and I've reached the point where I just want to go through the motions, get the diploma, get out. I just hope I don't have a problem with that...
May 21, 2006
Housing Part 2
Thank you for your encouraging words in the comments of my last post. They really gave me much-needed encouragement when I was feeling quite hopeless. Here's what happened...
After hearing from the Assistant Dean of my dorm that it would be too much of a hassle to move me rather than politely ask the person to whom they sold my room to relocate, I sent a long letter to him, along with a counselor at our school's health services, the secretary who blamed this on me, the Housing Office, and the Dean of Students. I outlined to them why I am so frustrated, and explained to them that this administrative mess-up is only the latest in a string of unfounded headaches this school has put me through.
I told them that it's odd how all this happens to me when I applied to graduate in Nov. 2005 like every other senior and followed every other procedure in a timely fashion. Furthermore, I told them that I feel like a senior who is completely uninvited to his own graduation. I asked them to reconsider their housing decision--do they really want to put a senior through the hassle and humiliation of moving in his last week here?
Then I ended the letter with a warning. I wrote that if this situation indeed results in my removal from the room I will consider pressing legal charges against the university for this and other incidents I've had with the school.
Apparently that was a zinger, a good way to end the letter and put up a fight. The Assistant Dean asked to meet with me, and in the meeting he told me that he and the secretary are on my side, that they much prefer moving the other person over kicking me out of my room. Nice to hear, but a little suspect in light of the e-mail he had sent me a few days earlier. He also told me the secretary was sorry for blaming me for this situation. Isn't it funny how when you get all serious and threaten to sue that apologies are like a dime a dozen? I never wanted an apology, I just wanted the dignity to remain in my room in my last few days like every other senior in the dorms.
He told me that it's embarrassing and that apparently I'm not the only person this has happened to. I told him that's quite unfortunate, but that my consideration to press legal charges still stands. I then explained what sort of damages I'd seek.
My father, who also got sick of hearing about all the crap the school has put me through, decided to contact the Office of the Provost, so they got involved, too. I later found out that thanks to all of the feather-ruffling my father and I did, the university decided to launch a (formal?) investigation into why this situation happened in the first place.
Three hours later, I get an e-mail saying that I can stay in my room through graduation. I sighed with relief, and although shaken by the whole ugly experience, I found a little clarity to study for my last final exam the next day.
Happy ending, right? Wrong.
This morning at around 8:30 a.m. I awake out of a deep sleep to the sound of someone banging on my door and vigorously trying to unlock it. My heart was pounding fast, but I decided not to make a movement. The person trespassed into my room, and when he noticed me in it he quickly left and shut the door. He then stood right outside my room and spoke into a large walky-talky type of transmittor. "Room 151 is occupied, room 151 is occupied," I heard him clearly. "There's someone in the room. Is he legal?!"
Is he legal?!?! Excuse me? That was enough to get me out of my bed. I opened my door and saw a heavily wrinkled man in a maintenance uniform. He looked almost as terrified to see me as I was when he woke me up so suddenly that EARLY on a SUNDAY MORNING. In my tired morning voice, and with my unflattering morning face, I sternly told him that I have written permission to stay in my room from the Housing Office through graduation. He hesitated and just left me.
I tried to go to sleep, but could not. In my mind I was rehearsing what could have happened, and what sort of fierce stand I would have to take next in this battle over my last few days here. Perhaps it was best that I did not fall back asleep because about 15 minutes later the same thing happened again.
When I heard the rattling of keys in my door lock I quickly sat up. I fearfully imagined the police or some group of maintenance staff coming to evict me forcefully. Instead, a plump lady rolled into my room with a few people standing beside her. "Oh, I'm so sorry!" she shouted as she backtracked out of my room. Like a defensive reflex, I quickly blurted that I have permission to stay in this room from the Housing Office. She suggested that I put a sign on my door. I did so and then managed to fall back asleep.
Then later today I left the dorm to say goodbye to a friend who was flying home for the summer. When I tried to return I found that I had secretly been stripped of my access to the building. I waived my card in front of the sensor and it let out the beep that signals "no access." I futiley tried to pull the locked door open. I then waived again, completely incredulous. "No access." I hung around my building terrified that now that most students were gone I'd have to wait a long time till I someone would notice me and let me back in. Luckily, about ten minutes later I found someone to let me in the building.
Well, what can I say? I'm completely flabbergasted. They say I get to stay in my room, yet they treat me as if I should have moved out. At 8:30 a.m. on a Sunday they question if I am "legal," and then they lock me out of the building. Lovely, lovely. What an ugly way to end college.
May 17, 2006
Heating Up
Well, I have my last final this Thursday night, but I've been almost completely unable to study. All that's been on my mind is this housing mess that I described in my last post. It's consuming me, keeping me up at night, and it's almost all I can think about during the day.
It looks like they want me out. They offered me a room in an adjacent building, and they've apologized, but they still want me out. Apparently it's too much of a hassle in their eyes to apologize to those to whom they've rented my room for graduation weekend and ask them to move instead. Apparently it makes more sense to move me, after living here for a full year, and with a year's worth of belongings, a week before my graduation.
I believe this might be the last straw that finally breaks my back. It's possible that this blog and my older one have good evidence of the troubles I've gone through in the last few years here. I believe this latest issue is just another manifestation of the same problem regarding all the administrative issues that stood between me and my graduation. I believe I'm not in the wrong. I believe I should be treated like other seniors who get to stay in their room, and who otherwise glided their way rather smoothly to graduation.
I believe I might have a case. It looks like this last battle may get legal. I probably shouldn't say much more... but, wish me luck. Any advice? I could use all the help I can get.
May 15, 2006
Get Out, Leave
The hell of last week is over, and now I have to deal with the hell of the next two weeks. I turned in my thesis on Friday and also checked one final exam of my list. I'm pretty happy with the thesis. I was a bit nervous since my advisor didn't confirm that he received it or anything like that. The grade was due today. To my relief, I heard from him today.
I have a nasty situation going on with housing. While everyone is supposed to vacate the dorms by this Saturday, seniors are granted an exception and are allowed to stay through graduation. Since I am graduating, I assumed that like any other senior I would have the right to stay in my room until graduation. Wow, how ignorant of me, apparently.
I started getting all this move-out information about two weeks ago, at which point I e-mailed my floor advisor just to confirm that I can stay like the other seniors. She said yeah, no problem. Then, about a week later, after a conversation with another senior on my floor, I found out that he received something in the mail confirming his status and that he can stay in the dorm. Since I didn't, I wasted no time in e-mailing the Assistant Dean in my dorm. He promptly responded saying, yeah no problem I can stay in my room through the 29th of May.
Then I get two e-mails today, one from the Assistant Dean, another from the secretary who takes care of all the administrative stuff in the dorm. The Assistant Dean wrote an apologetic e-mail, the secretary's e-mail was rather accusatory, "you should have told us earlier."
Well, excuse me. Like every other fucking senior in this university I applied to graduate in November when I was supposed to. I was notified by the registrar on multiple occasions over the last couple months that I indeed have senior status. But I should have notified her earlier, huh? No other senior had to notify her but me. Is that how it is?
As my workload slowly vanishes and I turn my attention to my last final (this Thursday) and to chasing after a few professors for letters of recommendations, I was looking forward to staying in my room as everyone else leaves. Of course, I am going to be very sad to see some of my good friends leave the dorm. At the same time, though, I was rather excited to see certain people disappear from my life: the loud girl down the hall (gone, check), my neighbor with the boyfriend/fiance who visits every night (leaving Wed.).
I guess now the whole joke's on me, again. Not only is this whole "mess" my fault, according to the secretary, but now I most likely won't be able to stay in my room. Not only will I have to move out of my room, they're saying I'll likely have to move out of my dorm completely. Lord knows what's going to happen. I'm so sick of all this crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. That's all this school ever gave me--CRAP. Maybe I should sue for emotional distress.
Now, highlights from a condensed flashback on this three-year crap-athon:
Can't get language exemption despite being a native speaker of another language (exemption received after fighting and taking a stupid two-day test), can't get credits transferred from classes I took at another large, legitimate, State University (got credits transfered after two years of fighting), can't graduate early b/c whatever series of lame ass excuses (I shouldn't speak too soon, but I think I might prove them wrong on this one, too), status isn't updated after I apply to graduate, don't receive information about graduation, no tickets for guests to the graduation ceremony (ammended), no tickets for convacation (ammended), being kicked out of my room before graduation.
Oh, and they say these are the "best four years of your life."
Crap.
May 09, 2006
Work in Progress
Just a note from the sidelines, or work-nonstop headquarters, however you choose to view my current situation. Thesis is work is coming along well... I have till Friday to hand it in. It's looking like it might end up being a solid 60 pages--and that's thanks to the luxury of my stories being long enough t0 allow me to drop a bunch of stuff I originally thought I would include. This spares me so much work and so much stress.
Allergies are going nowhere. I just bought a new month's supply of allergy medicine.
Today's my last day of life as a 20 year old! One more thing to look forward to after I graduate: final exams will no long spoil my birthday.
May 07, 2006
Just You
He told me today that he spent his whole life trying to escape the wealth connection. He was aware of how coming from good money and a good family can make life good. Good things kept coming his way, and he said that he desperately wanted to believe that it was not because he could fill a pool with hundred dollar bills if he wanted. "I'm just me," he said. Despite all the money, "I'm just me."
It was an uninspiring ending to an honest and tender confession. Of course you're just you. Anyone can say "I am me," and it'll still be true, but wait a minute. Was he back-tracking? After all the honesty was he just saying that he is who he is because he is who he is? It sounded kind of circular to me.
"Of course you're just you," I granted. "But anyone could say that. Even someone poor is in part who they are, believe what they do, got to where they are in life, because of the conditions in which they were raised." It applies to everyone: the rich, the poor, and all the shades of privilege and lack thereof in between. You can't just decontextualize a life.
You're just you. But can you really tell me that the reason you got into Harvard has nothing to do with your money? Can you really tell me that the fact that you can trace your ancestry back to five generations of Harvard graduates has nothing to do with it? Can you tell me it has nothing to do with where you were born, and who were your parents, and the life you had and the elite primary and secondary education you could afford?
Or did you get so far in life because you're "just you?"
May 05, 2006
Slope Day
Well, today was my third and final "Slope Day" as a student. On the final day of classes, the University organizes a big outdoor event on the slope leading down to west campus. There are some freebies, food, and live music. This year The Acceptance, Talib Kweli, and Ben Folds all performed for us.
It was all right. I was out there in the sun for four hours hodge-podging between friends, trying to put on a pretty smile for some pictures, listening to the music, walking around, trying to avoid the drunks and pot-smokers, and stuff. For an hour stretch I was stuck with a friend of mine who was drunk. It was a bit stressful, a bit amusing, and I was much relieved when we found her boyfriend and I could go hang out with some more-sober people.
I'm exhausted... gotta write my thesis one of these days!
May 01, 2006
Final Stretch
I might have said in Fall 2005 that this year was my final stretch. Then I probably said in January 2006 that this semester was my final stretch. Then in late March 2006 after spring break, it was my real final stretch with no breaks left. But now, this... This is my real final stretch.
It's officially May and I have two weeks until the official deadline for my thesis. I have one final after that, but meh. That just seems like kicks-and-giggles in comparison. Thesis writing has not gone well, but I'm taking my next week off of work and I hope, hope, hope, to start buckling down on it this week.
Popular mythology holds that seniors should get all sentimental and nostaglic as their days in college stumble to a drunken end. That hasn't been true for me at all. In fact, I'm a little surprised at how unsentimental I feel about this whole experience. I took a walk through campus in the beautiful weather on Saturday to take pictures to remember this place by and when it was all over it just felt like another nice walk, not much else.
Today will be my last Monday of classes in college. Yet it just felt like another Monday. I catch myself walking around campus and for snap seconds staring at a certain building or view and wondering if I should connect this precious moment with the gravity that these are my final days living here. The connection only remains in question form, and the thought drifts away unanswered.
I'm concerned with the minutia that have always concerned me here. Worried about my last problem set, putting off my last reading for class (The Patriot Act--snoring!), worried about my work schedule, and how I'll juggle everything and get everything done. I have a feeling my last few weeks here will fizzle into the most mundane ending--with a lot of stress, and a lot of work, not nearly enough sleep, just like my past three years here--only with the added nuisance of having to chase a few professors for letters of recommendation and dealing with administrative issues that have to do with graduation.
Well, I've been unable to touch my thesis for the last few days, but I suppose I no longer have the luxury of putting it off... Back to the same old--work!
